


Just Fine

by Annie_Eliza



Category: Queer as Folk (US)
Genre: Angst, Hey Todd How's it going?, Homophobia, Homophobic Language, M/M, Past Rape/Non-con, Plot or Claim Challenge response, Pre-Series, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, Todd Character Study, Todd POV, Todd fic, Tragedy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-05
Updated: 2015-04-05
Packaged: 2018-03-21 08:24:43
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,455
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3685149
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Annie_Eliza/pseuds/Annie_Eliza
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sometimes Todd says he's fine but doesn't really mean it.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Just Fine

**Author's Note:**

> I have started a new community at Plotorclaim.livejournal.com. It is a plot bunny and challenge community where everyone who joins is free to post their ideas for writers to claim as well as write stories in response to monthly challenges. This story is a response to the first monthly challenge. Since I am the owner, I am not eligible to win, but I figured I should try to kick things off to get the word out. 
> 
> The challenge was this:
> 
> Topic: Todd's life involves more than just fucking, believe it or not.  
> Required Characters: Todd  
> Length: 1000 or more words  
> Required Objects: a photograph, a fork, and whiskey.
> 
> This was a challenge I came up with so maybe it was easier for me to write it but this is one angsty fic. Please avoid if you are easily triggered by multiple kinds of abuse and violence.

The hot breath on his neck. The grunted whispers of, “Yeah, you like that? You like my cock pounding deep into your hole? Gonna stretch you out…”

 

Those are the things that get him to come back to Babylon at least five times a week.

 

Because, fuck, the cocks are plentiful and this guy, John or Jim or Richard or Bob or whatever the hell he said his name was, knows how to fuck. He knows how to fuck him good and hard and rough and steady. He leaves him moaning and whimpering, thrusting his hips back wanting more. 

 

And that’s all he wants. More. He wants it all the time. Margot thinks that he has a problem. She thinks he has some sex addiction that keeps him from using his judgment when it comes to moderation. He begs to differ. Sex makes him happy. It makes him forget what a worthless piece of shit he is.

 

“Hey, Todd!” How’s it going?” the great Brian Kinney asks him as a dark haired trick gets down to his knees and starts to suck the man’s delectable cock. 

 

“Fine,” he gasps out as his own partner for the night fucks him harder.

 

He isn’t a worthless piece of shit here. People know his name and that’s something to brag about in Babylon. Brian Fucking Kinney even remembers his name. That tidbit is even more worthy to boast about. 

 

Brian may be the king of the tops, but Todd is certainly the queen of the bottoms.

\-------------------------

Margot catches him when he stumbles in for the night. 

 

She turns on the overhead light and leads him over to the couch to sit him down. He can feel her standing over him and he knows she has that worried and helpless look on her face. He hates seeing that look so he doesn’t dare look up.

 

“How much did you have to drink?” he hears her ask him.

 

He doesn’t remember. He let four guys fuck him throughout the night. Three of them bought him drinks. He would call the other guy an asshole but he gave him an excellent rim job so he can’t complain too much. 

 

“You have got to cut down on this shit, Todd. You have been going out almost every night for almost a year-”

 

“It’s none of your business, Margot!” he snaps at her. It’s unfair of him and it hurts him to be a total shit to her but he can’t help it. Not when he knows deep down that she’s probably right.

 

“It is my business,” she snaps back at him, “We’ve lived together since we turned 18. We’ve been best friends since we were six years old. It is terrifying to watch you self-destruct like this.”

 

She’s mad. He can tell. But then she sighs. It’s a sigh filled with her sadness and worry, as if he didn’t feel any worse. 

 

“Have you given any thought to seeing one of the counselors I suggested? They might really be able to help-”

 

“I don’t need help! I need to go to bed and get some rest. I work the lunch shift tomorrow.”

 

Margot looks at him. Really looks at him. He manages to not look away like the coward that he is and he somehow stands his ground. Without any further comment, Margot holds out her hand. He hesitates but ends up taking it. She leads him to his bedroom and tucks him in like he is a child who needs taken care of for the night. Maybe he is since he grabs her hand and silently pleads with her to stay. He feels the bed dip with her weight and her familiar arms embrace him from behind. As he listens to her breathing even out, he looks at the framed photograph he has of the two of them on his nightstand. He knows that space on the nightstand should probably be reserved for a picture of his partner. He doesn’t have one of those. He’s never had one. Despite the sheer amount of men he’s fucked, he’s never had a date or a man call him for more than a second go in the back room. As far as he’s concerned, Margot is the closest he will get to a partner. And, as much as he would like to think he’s good enough to be another man’s partner, he’s not. Sometimes he horribly hopes that it will take Margot a long time to find a serious boyfriend so she won’t leave him. But Margot is an incredible person and doesn’t deserve to be alone nor does she deserve to have a best friend who would think things like that. He just has to value the time he has left.

 

\------------------------------------------------

 

Todd works the lunch shift at a five star Italian restaurant on Walnut and Copeland Street. When he first got the job two years ago, he was so naively excited about it. He had been 22 years old and finally thought he was getting a grasp on his life by getting a job that would tip him enough to pay for night classes at the community college. He enrolled but dropped out almost a year ago. His drinking and fucking increased in quantity and it was only a matter of time before it affected his grades. Some people may be able to keep up their grades while fucking around but Todd had never been the smartest or the most studious. He had to pick what was more important to him so that’s what he did and now he spends his nights doing what he enjoys.

 

“Todd?”

 

He looks over and sees his coworker, Sophia, standing there. He likes Sophia. She’s very sweet and quiet and didn’t say more than a, “Oh my god, I’m so sorry!” when she walked into the employee bathrooms and found Todd getting fucked by the manager’s son, Anthony.

 

“Hey, Sophia. I didn’t think you were coming in for another three hours. What’s up?”

 

“I was just wondering if you could maybe cover my shift tonight? I know it’s a lot to ask on a friday night, especially since you are already working, but I’ve called everyone I could get a hold of and Gino just turned me down. I asked Tony for this day off but you know how he can be. 

 

“I sort of have plans. But I think Tony is in back. Maybe if you remind him-”

 

“I did on the phone. He told me that if I called off without finding someone to cover for me then I better be ‘thinking hard about my future here.’ But it’s my daughter’s piano recital. I told her I wouldn’t miss it. I want to see her. She’s only eight and it’s her first time performing-”

 

“Okay, okay. I’ll cover for you. But you owe me, Sophia.”

 

Sophia squeals a little and unexpectedly hugs him.

 

“Oh, thank you thank you thank you! You don’t know what this means to me! I had her when I was 17 and it’s just been me and her, you know? She’s my best friend. Thank you, Todd. Really, thank you. Are you sure about this. I swear-”

 

“Jesus, calm down with the life story and the gratitude. It’s fine. My plans can wait for a day.”

 

Sophia nods with the biggest grin and starts to walk away from him.

 

“I’m going to go surprise her and pick her up from school. Maybe take her to get ice cream before her debut.”

 

“You do that. Tell her I said to break a leg!”

 

“Will do. Thanks again, Todd!”

 

Sophia runs out the front door and Todd tries to stay positive. What’s another six more hours added to his shift? The restaurant closes at midnight. He should be out the doors by 12:45 at the latest. He could get a cab instead of worrying about the bus and run back to the apartment to take a quick shower. He already has his clothes laying out on his bed so getting dressed in his proper attire wouldn’t take long. Babylon stays open until 3 so, while he won’t get the five fucks in that he was planning on for tonight, he could maybe get there by 2 if he was lucky and get two fucks in, three if his ass was up for it. If all else failed, he could go to the baths and get fucked there. He liked Babylon because it made him feel good. The lights, the glitter, the music, the men. The baths made him feel dirtier. He usually didn’t go there unless he was feeling really down. But who knows? Maybe after working a double he would be up for some of the kinkier things that went on there. 

 

Lunch turns into dinner and the crowd grows immensely. The tips are better but he’s not sure they are worth the stress that the dinner crowd brings. People are less laid back. The party sizes are bigger. The restaurant is mainly filled with straight couples, families, groups of women talking about the men in their lives, and-

 

Shit. Brian Kinney. In his section. He didn’t expect that. 

 

He’s with a very handsome man. Chestnut hair, expressive eyes. At first glance, Todd could brush him off as a business associate but he can see how the man is looking at Brian. Only part of it is lustful. The expression held within the stranger’s eyes is mainly affectionate. Brian, from what he can tell, looks hesitant but also hopeful. 

 

It feels weird, seeing him outside of Babylon. He knows about some of Brian’s life outside of the place. He knows that, despite only being 26, he was given a promotion and is now a senior advertising executive at Ryder. But that’s basically it. However, it was also a given that he was just as cold outside of Babylon. He had been one of the many who had been told by Brian Kinney that he never dated and he rarely did repeats. Todd had actually been one of the few Brian had fucked in the backroom twice. Maybe it was because he could always be found there but it had only helped him when it came to getting fucked. Word spread if Brian bothered to fuck you twice and since Todd had one of the best asses in Babylon, he didn’t have to search very hard for the next willing cock.

 

But just because he had been fucked twice by Brian didn’t mean he and Brian were remotely close. As far as he knew, Brian was still Brian Fucking Kinney and nothing would scare him off more than anything resembling a relationship.

 

Or so he thought. 

 

He’s being a bad waiter. He knows that he should have been greeting them several minutes ago but there was just something different about how Brian was looking at this man. 

 

“Hello, welcome to Girasole. My name is Todd and I’ll be your waiter for this evening. Would you like our house wine with your meal tonight?”

 

Brian, who had almost been smiling at his date, looks up at him and freezes. Todd doesn’t see what the big deal is so he just raises his eyebrow in return.

 

“Brian, are you wanting that or the Pinot Grigio?” the man inquires.

 

Brian quickly snaps out of it and replies, “The Pinot Grigio is fine. The best year you have on hand.”

 

Todd takes note then goes to fetch the best bottle they have. He gets the ice bucket and two wine glasses then returns to the table to take the orders. Brian has closed up more and looks nervous. He can tell his date is a little concerned but is trying to keep things light. Todd feels bad about it. He can’t be completely sure but he thinks that his presence is making Brian uncomfortable. He didn’t mean to make Brian uncomfortable. He can’t help it that Brian took his date to the restaurant that Todd works at just like he can’t help it that Rita sat them in his section. It wasn’t like Todd wasn’t going to say anything. But he supposed Brian couldn’t be sure of that. Besides the occasional “How’s it going?” and the two times they fucked, they didn’t really know each other, did they?

 

He expects Brian to leave him a nice tip to give him a silent request of, “Keep quiet, alright?” He doesn’t expect Brian to sneak away from his table and pull him into the bathroom.

 

“Hey, Todd! How’s it going?”

 

Todd looks around the bathroom and sees that the stalls are unoccupied and that they’re alone. He looks up and sees Brian’s predatory smirk. Todd gives him a hesitant smile.

 

“Fine.”

 

“Good. That’s good.”

 

Before Todd can ask Brian how he is, Brian has his lips on his and he’s pushing him into one of the bathroom stalls. Todd knows he should push him away because he’s working and Brian is on a fucking _date_ but fuck, Tony left hours ago and it’s Brian’s really shitty decision to make. Besides, Todd should be fucking right now. He would be if it weren’t for Sophia’s sweet, big brown eyes pleading with him to do her work for the night. Considering how gay he is, it’s sort of baffling how persuaded he can be by women. 

 

There’s a plus to all of this as well. He’s not one to fuck and tell but this will be the third time he’s been fucked by Brian Kinney. He doesn’t know anyone who has been fucked three times by him. And maybe that means something. Maybe it means more than just a fantastic fuck. Brian took the time to remember his name. He greets him in the back room all the time. Maybe he somehow stuck out. Maybe he’s too hard on himself if he stuck out in Brian Kinney’s mind, enough for him to want to fuck him again.

 

Todd hears the condom wrapper tear and he’s already stifling his moans when he feels Brian’s cock pressed against his hole. When Brian swiftly enters him and picks up a swift pace, it feels euphoric. It hurts a little since Brian didn’t prep him but Todd usually preps himself with his fingers a couple of times day so he can be ready before he goes to Babylon so it could be a lot worse. He pushes his hips back as he plants his hands against the stall wall for leverage. Brian fucks him harder and faster and grabs Todd’s hair to pull his head back so that he can suck on his neck. He knows Brian is close as his thrusts get more erratic but that’s okay because Todd is close as well. As he comes against the bathroom stall, Brian groans out his release. Todd leans his head against the wall as Brian pulls out and opens the stall door. Todd follows him out and immediately knows that things are going to be awkward.

 

“Came to see what was taking you so long. You were gone for over 15 minutes. Now I know.”

 

Todd can see that the man is clearly upset. He has angry and embarrassed tears in his eyes and his arms are crossed in front of his chest. Todd expects Brian to grovel or at least say he’s sorry but Brian just stares at him. For a second, he thinks he sees a look of regret and shame reach Brian’s expression but it quickly goes away.

 

“I really liked you, Brian. I thought we had some good conversations. We worked well together on my company’s campaign. I know you like to fuck different men but I thought...I don’t know what I thought.”

 

“You thought wrong. Those are the words you are looking for.”

 

Todd looks back to Brian and his expression is cold and merciless. The man flinches at the response but then squares his shoulders. 

 

“Yeah, I guess I did. I really do hope you have a nice life, Brian. But with the way you are, I don’t see how it could be anything but lonely and empty.”

 

Brian’s date leaves them alone in the bathroom and suddenly Todd has no idea what to say because as soon as the man’s out of sight, Brian looks like he might actually shed a tear. But within a few seconds, he’s Brian Fucking Kinney again. Considering what Todd had been thinking pre to mid fuck, that isn’t a good thing.

 

Brian looks over at him and forces a smile.

 

“Thanks for the favor, Todd,” he tells him casually then pulls out his wallet to hand him $150, “Here. Keep the change.”

 

Brian walks quickly out of the bathroom. His coat is gone and the plates of food are abandoned when Todd walks back out. He does the busboy a favor and throws the forks and knives onto the plates and carries them back to the kitchen. He waits on the rest of his section to the best of his ability then leaves as soon as they clear out and he counts out his tip money. 

 

He made some extra tonight so he doesn’t feel bad about spending the extra money on that cab. Margot isn’t home and he’s glad he doesn’t have to explain himself as he gets dressed and starts walking towards Liberty Avenue. 

 

He’s about to turn left to go to Babylon but he really has had a hard day so he wants to be fucked hard. He turns right and heads to the baths. When he walks inside, the flickering lights reveal the shiny and sweaty skin. He can hear the moans and the flesh slapping upon flesh through the hall. Maybe he can get a few guys to gangbang him. Maybe he can get two dicks in his hole at once. He needs something hard and rough. Some of the guys that come to the baths are fucking perverts but most of them are having a rough time in the real world and want to escape through this dirty shit hole. 

 

It’s probably why Brian is here. He was a complete shit to his date, after all.

 

Brian slowly opens his eyes and, as he has one guy sucking on his balls and another tongue fucking his ass, he looks at Todd and nods at him in recognition. 

 

“Hey, Todd. How’s it going?”

 

Not that great, you asshole. But thanks for the nice sized cock and tip.

 

He doesn’t say that though. He gives the socially acceptable answer.

 

“Fine,” he tells him. Brian winks then tosses his head back in ecstasy.

 

Todd goes into another room and makes sure that his ass looks as presentable as possible. He gets eight men to fuck him, one after another. He loses himself in the rhythm of their thrusts and forgets that he isn’t all that happy right now. 

\----------------------------------------

On the first Sunday of every month, he has dinner with his parents.

 

He does this mainly for his mother’s sake. She doesn’t approve of his lifestyle and is ashamed that she has a gay son, but she means well. 

 

“You still a cock sucking faggot?”

 

“Now, Greg. Not at the table.”

 

His father, on the other hand, is a complete prick. 

 

Todd looks down at his food and tries to pay attention to it instead of the sneers from his father and the pursed lips of his mother. The dinner always starts out in an uncomfortable rigid silence but that’s preferable than how it gets near the end of the night, after his father gets a few glasses of whiskey in him as a way to loosen his tongue.

 

The word “faggot” and “disappointment” are always thrown out when he comes over but tonight it’s so much worse. He doesn’t know what he did or what changed to make his father so vicious this time around but he’s trying to hold out and be polite for his mother’s sake. He just needs to stick around until the plates are washed and then he can go to Babylon or maybe he and Margot can see a movie. He can't remember the last time they hung out outside of the apartment. That might be more preferable. Right now, all he wants is his best friend because the things coming out of his drunken father’s mouth _hurt_.

 

“You’re a fucking embarrassment. You know that? It would have been bad enough if you told us yourself. But no. We had to find out from your cousin William last year that you were getting your ass fucked in that club on Liberty Avenue.”

 

“And how do you think he found out about that?” he dares to ask his dear old dad. It isn’t like him to talk back. He isn’t sure why he did that. 

 

“What are you trying to imply? You trying to say William is a sissy faggot? Fuck you, pussy boy. You don’t know shit. My brother lucked out when he had a son like William. Captain of the football team, prom king, college graduate, engaged to a pretty girl with a nice rack.”

 

“Greg, please,” his mother gently admonishes then turns to him.

 

“What your father means is that you still have potential. What about Margot? I always liked her alright. Sort of plain looking but if she took off 10 or 15 pounds and got contacts she would be relatively pretty. Don’t you think, Greg?”

 

“I think you could put a supermodel in front of this fucker and he’d still be limp.”

 

Todd clenches his fist under the table and tries to keep himself calm. He doesn’t raise his head when his father gets up from the table and goes around to stand over him. He doesn’t even move when the man leans down to whisper in his ear. 

 

“You’re worthless,” his father hisses as Todd tries not to flinch, “You will never amount to anything. You are a worthless faggot whore. You don’t deserve anything good to happen to you. You’re going to hell. You proud of that? What do you have to be proud of?”

 

He doesn’t know what makes him say it. Maybe it’s the pent up heartbreak and anger that’s been building up since his parents found out he likes it up the ass. Maybe it’s the fact that he is so fucked up in the head that more days than others he thinks about ending it all. Maybe it is because he fucking should have said something when he was eleven years old but didn’t because he knew deep down how much it would upset his dad. Also, if he said it out loud, he knew it would be real.

 

Well, he wants to upset him now. He wants to enrage him.

 

So he looks up, his face inches away from his father’s, and tells him the god honest truth.

 

“Wanna know what I’m proud of, Daddy? I’m proud that I take it up the ass from multiple cocks a day. I love the feeling of it. Most of the time I like it rough and hard but sometimes I’ll take it slow and easy. The first cock I ever took though? I didn’t like that one. But how could I when it was your favorite brother who forced me on my knees and told me to _suck it_.”

 

The fist connects with his jaw before he has a chance to blink.

 

Todd’s knocked out of the dining room chair and his dad is on top of him, fists swinging. 

 

“Fucking lying faggot! Nasty pervert! You’re no son of mine!”

 

“Greg, stop!”

 

“Get the fuck off me!”

 

He manages to knee his father in the balls and he pushes the man off of him. Without a second glance to his mother, he runs out the door and down the apartment stairs. He hates that he doesn’t have a car because now he either has to walk three blocks to the bus stop and risk people staring at his bloodied up face or walk the two miles home. 

 

He picks the two miles. He needs the exercise anyway. 

 

He starts walking in the direction of his own apartment. He really does. But for some reason his feet take him to the Roberto Clemente Bridge. 

 

He doesn’t know where he should stand at first. The highest point is near the middle so would that be the best place to jump? But the middle of the river is probably the deepest as well so he might survive that. It might be best to jump head first towards the rocks near the edge. But then there’s the tiny possibility he could survive but be a vegetable or completely paralyzed. At least if he didn’t die by jumping into the middle of the river, he could force himself to drown. It’s pretty cold too so his body could go into shock, making it easier.

 

The middle is the best option. So he treks towards the center of the bridge and climbs to up on the metal railing. He stares down at the water below and screams out every bit of pain he has in him.

 

“Hey, are you alright?”

 

He should have known that he would draw attention.

 

“I was driving by and saw you standing here. Let me call someone for you. A friend, a family member. Whatever you are thinking, it’s not the answer. Believe me, man, I’ve been there. It gets better.”

 

He glances over at the man talking to him. He’s cute. Dark skin, lean, muscular, brown eyes. Completely straight though, if his gaydar is correct. 

 

But he seems like a good person. Todd won’t make him watch someone fall to his death. So, without a word, he gets down and walks past the man.

 

“Hey! Do you need to talk to someone? Are you okay?”

 

Todd turns to look at him.

 

“I’m fine.”

 

He knows his face isn’t in the best of shape to be seen in public but it feels like it’s a good time to go to Babylon. It’s a bit of a lengthy walk from the bridge but he manages to make it through the doors a few hours before closing time. He gets some stares but that’s okay. He’s made his name here and eventually he gets someone to fuck him. As the thumpa thumpa beats through the club and the trick he wrangled in fucks him at about the same rhythm, men come up to him and eye him with concern. Some of them hesitantly ask, “Hey, Todd…how’s it going?” and “Todd, are you alright?” He smiles and gasps out, “Fine.” 

 

And he is. He’s just fine.

**Author's Note:**

> Please join plotorclaim.livejournal.com! Hopefully it will be a great way to inspire QAF fic writers with new ideas as well as get the fandom more involved with each other. Thanks! Also, please read and review!


End file.
